HOW TO FAIL AT LIFE IRL

DATING: MOSTLY THINK ABOUT OTHER THINGS WHILE DOING IT.

Begin by dating a simple guy in high school. Be impressed by his car, because not very many guys have cars in high school, or in mid-twenty adult life, but only realize this when you are a mid-twenty adult. Close your eyes and just tell him to do it, cringe. Be confused when it's over in less than four minutes. Continue to have sex for less than eight minutes for one year, mostly in his car with the seatbelt buckle digging into your ribs. Don't say anything about the belt buckle or the eight minutes or the boredom, just stare out the window and take deep breaths. Think about other things while you have sex, like how many other people are having sex in parks for less than eight minutes. When you hear some racket at your window and open it to find a large cardboard heart that says 'I Love You', in glitter glue, convince yourself you don't find this appalling. Phone him and pretend to be really touched. Tell your friends you are really creeped out that you hear his car drive by three to eighteen times a day when you break up with him. Be really disappointed and confused when it stops after six months, cry for the first time the day it stops.

Go on a date with a guy you met in line for The Bat ride at Wonderland. Laugh at his really high-pitched voice with your friend after you've already given him your number. Continue making jokes about his voice. Talk in a high-pitched voice a lot that week, even with people who don't get it. Think it's funny anyways. Cover the ear piece on your phone when he calls, because you are laughing. When he says hello again, hang up. Have more composure when he phones again, say yes when he asks you out on date for Friday night. Be really impressed when he picks you up in a BMW and says he has a surprise for your date, even though you were supposed to go to the movies. Don't say anything out loud when he drives behind an abandoned factory on the lake. Smile at something he says because he looks at you for a reaction, think about an escape plan. Think about the time you broke through a piece of plywood in a self defense class. Think about your hand breaking through the wood and hitting the dirty carpet over and over again. Take large sips of the Smirnoff Ice he's brought because you think he might tie you up and throw you in the lake. Say yes when he asks to give you a massage. Say yes when he asks if you'd like to see his tattoo. Try not to look away when he starts to unzip his pants. When he asks if you want to touch it, think about it being no longer than one inch, giggle. When he says don't be afraid, think about a miniature penis. Laugh. Finish the last bottle of Smirnoff Ice and begin talking about three-eyed fish.

Smoke your first joint with a boy who has dread locks, knotted locks of hair, in your Sociology 101 class. Start smoking marijauna with him after class. Go to a Thai restaurant for lunch one day. Talk about penises a lot. Think, 'Why am I talking about penises?' and then take a large mouthful of noodles so you'll stop talking. Change the conversation and ask him about his music. Think about him rapping naked. Make out with him in an empty stairwell. He's a good kisser, keep open mouth kissing him. Get high and kiss a lot because kissing while high feels better than kissing while not high. Have sex for the first time in his studio, on the carpet. Be really loud because it's sound proofed. Wonder if the sex was that good because you were high or because he was good. Have feelings of love because he texts 'I can't stop thinking about you and I'm trying to make music. Argh.'. Move in with him after a year of being high and having sex. Get high once a day. Adopt a dog with a personality disorder. Try not to let the dog loose on the street, by accident. Get high twice a day. Have your first sex orgasm. Smoke a joint in bed after this. Start yelling at each other, yell more than he does because he's high and you are trying to quit. Work at a fake modeling agency. Come home everyday and see him at his computer. Smell the weed-smell in the air. Open a window. Tell him to get a job. Tell him to get a job everyday for six months. Look at your bank receipt, -$2486. Get high and tell him to get a job, nicely. Try to leave him but realize you don't have enough change for the subway. Yell at the ticket booth guy. Come back home. When you get paid three days later, tell him you're leaving, again. Leave.